COMFORTABLY DISTURBED – 27

It’s been a while since we’ve had a Craigslist lunatic on the site.

For all those Chris Farley fans out there that have always wanted to date a man that lives in a van down by the river…  

Hardcore Radical Extremist says: “My brain seems to be defective (Oh, good). I haven’t worked in a decade, I’m lazy, I’m depressed, I get high everyday, I don’t really like people and I live in a van (okay…). I’m also a hardcore radical extremist (I’m anti-federal government, anti-federal reserve, anti-government schools, anti-globalist, anti-TV, anti-fast food, anti-beef, anti-pork, anti-GMO, anti-aspartame, anti-MSG, anti-hydrogenated oils, anti-BPA, anti-fluoride, anti-microwave ovens, anti-smart phones, anti-vaccines, anti-most pharmaceuticals, anti-detergent soap, anti-deodorant, anti-compact fluorescent light bulbs, anti-a lot of stuff and there’s a list of things I would never allow in my house/van and an even longer list of stuff I will passionately freak out about) (Strangely enough we’re anti all those things too yet manage to not live in a van down by the river, be depressed, or addicted to drugs) but I think that’s normal (Of course you do). I know they’ve brain damaged the public and are setting up a global government to exterminate everybody. I live in reality.

If that hasn’t turned you off, nothing else about me will (Don’t be so sure about that, there’s more awesomeness to come). I’m not what you’d expect when you think of a bum living in a van. I drink my Tangy Tangerine multivitamin everyday, I brush my teeth every night, I even floss and use baby wipes so I don’t get stinky butt. I’m not hard to get along with, I’m easy to talk to, honest, don’t like confrontation and will not participate in yelling matches. I’m someone who feels bad for even thinking about doing something that isn’t honorable. I do what’s right not because of the consequences but because I couldn’t sleep at night if I wronged somebody. I have nothing but contempt for police and all laws that wouldn’t be considered common. I’ve been the suspect of more hot pursuits than I’d care to recall so I’m not the type of person who feels the need to jump out an airplane. I’ve had enough excitement here on the ground. I’m not sure how I survived my young adulthood but the propensity for me acting recklessly is something that exists and will persist. I use to be wild but now I’m mild. I’m a cat person who listens to talk radio, takes trips to historic sites and use to own chickens. I exercise when I live indoors, do a lot of hiking and ATV/Motorcycle riding so I can’t see myself with a super heavy chick. Riding on trails out in the mountains is and will probably always be my favorite activity. I’m good with kids but if you have any of your own, that’s too bad because I tried that a couple times and I’ll never date a mother again unless the father was dead or as good as dead. So by now you should’ve been able to decide our compatibility. I’m not against just being friends because I am very, very bored. Like most homeless people, I’m doing a lot gamblin’ and drinkin’ so I have plenty of free time for whatever (Like more gamblin’ and drinkin’! Maybe pick up some meth while you’re at it).

SATIRE: I have greater aspirations then to live in this van poopin’ in a bag of kitty liter the rest of my life. One day, I’d like to move into a bigger van or by the grace of god, a trailer. I’ll move into some sun baked park out in the desert, start having babies and getting John Denver drunk. I know one day that special someone I knocked up will come along and slip that special something into my drink and I’ll find myself at the Liquor/Tattoo/Wedding Chapel downtown. From that point forward it’ll only be legitimate welfare babies and half a case of Natty Ice a day for me. The stains on my wife beater will spell out responsibility. That was chapter one. Do you want chapter two? You better you son of bitch, I know the way.

I don’t know why living in a van arouses so much fear the domesticated public. Just because I cruise by the playground real slow blasting the ice cream jingle doesn’t mean I’m going to snatch your kid and hit the interstate. When I’m prowling through your neighborhood at night, it doesn’t mean I’m about to strip and start streaking through backyards. You’re not going to catch me spooning your dog. It ceases to amaze me they start a Federal investigation every time I park outside a federal building with some of my Iranian buddies. And those screaming women you see me dragging in the back of my van are good friends of mine. It’s not like I have a place out in the desert where I dump bodies and beat off. You’re the only one thinkin’ that way, lady.

WRITER COMMENTARY: If you need to say “I’m not trying to be a bitch” than you probably are one all the time. If you looked at my anti-list and thought “this crazy man thinks light bulbs are bad” than you are in very real and deadly danger. Google “water fluoridation, vaccine danger, aspartame” and today’s the day you become a paranoid schizophrenic. Commercial authoritarianism has enslaved the western world. The federal government and the multi-national corporations that own it, work together to poison you through food, water, vaccines, drugs and they use public education and the television set to control your mind. If you don’t know the TV is the greatest weapon of war ever invented than you are living in a false reality. What you think is true and false, right and wrong, safe and dangerous has been manipulated upside down, your thoughts aren’t even your own, you believe you’ve come to conclusions when in true reality; the TV has implanted these ideas while you were in a highly suggestible hypnotized state. If you have kids and ignore my warning, shame on you and you’ll suffer terribly for it.

I spent sometime with children and I feel like I should share some of this because I’m bored. If you think a five year old can’t out smart you than you are pathetically ignorant. I’ve witnessed reasoning skills showed by your average five year old that actually made me feel threatened. They can understand concepts a lot of the brain damaged adults can’t grasp.

My ex had two kids and when this radical came into their lives they would say “McDonald’s Yay!” when we’d drive by one and were exactly like what you think children are, if you believe in the television set. I’m hardcore, so I explained to them why I would never take them to McDonald’s or wouldn’t give them candy or other junk food. They didn’t take it too hard because I love playing in the woods and going to the playground. I’m basically a really big kid myself when it’s not my duty to be a man. I practice what a preach so the candy gave way to dried fruit, and after weeks of watching me eat heaping piles of vegetables, guess who started saying they wanted to eat nothing but vegetables for dinner? I didn’t even have to try and in a very short time the kids wanted to eat healthy and would say “bad McDonald’s bad!” I’m pretty sure it only worked out so swimmingly because I believe in what I say and do. They want to imitate the people they admire in their lives and are a mirror image of their environment. You can’t tell a child to “eat right and exercise” then sit in front of the TV, smokin’ ciggies and eating chocolate. If you do that you’ll send a TV watching, ciggy smokin’ diabetic adult out into the world.

If you think not taking a child to McDonald’s is somehow depriving them of something then you’re a sad person (Actually have to agree with that). You’re so brainwashed you think children can’t live without corn syrup and plastic play lands. If society is the body then McDonald’s is the cancer. I know I’m terrible person but instead of McDonald’s we stood in volcano calderas, explored lava tubes and the redwoods, swam in mountain rivers underneath waterfalls, picked bouquets of wild flowers for their mom and did other stuff that human’s use to do. You know? The kind of stuff that sets a young mind on fire with creativity and wonderment. The exact opposite of the false reality you live in and can keep. Obviously, I’m not perfect and I definitely have my shortcomings and less than appealing personality traits but compared to most, I’m a god among men.

If you’re FAT you’ll want to read this. Living in a van is very hard on the body. I’m sure you noticed that it’s been getting cold out. Try waking up outside every day. No, really, give it a try. Last winter I had no idea what living outside would do to me. After two weeks, I noticed I was losing weight, and no matter what I did, I was always cold and hungry. I started eating as much as I possibly could since I was hungry all the time and it had no effect on my weight loss. In a little over three weeks, I went to the doctor and got weighed. I had lost twenty pounds in three weeks without exercise and while actually trying to eat as much food as possible. That’s incredible (That’s crack for ya). It you set up a tent in the yard and actually try to lose weight, I bet you would lose weight so fast you’d die. When I stopped spending so much time outside, luckily the weight loss stopped because if I lost another five pounds, I would’ve had zero percent body fat and I don’t think I would’ve stopped losing weight. So if you start spending most of the day indoors you’re not going to get the desired results.

Last but not least, if you’re addicted to food and don’t think you could ever sit down and enjoy a heaping pile of veggies for dinner, all you need to do is not eat for at least three days. By the second day of fasting you’ll notice you’re a little slower than usual but also that your hearing, smell, and taste will be at peak functioning ability. It’s really cool if you never went without eating for a few days. It totally eliminates depression too (Refer back to the first paragraph of this ad please). I’m guessing it’s your body’s way of asking you nicely not to die. After three days of not eating, a raw carrot will make you drool all over yourself and you’re ready to start your new diet. Your body is naturally addicted to high fat food so whatever you do, stay away from unhealthy foods or you’ll have to starve yourself again and that’s not the healthiest thing for your body.

If you witnessed the evolution of this ad, you can tell I’ve just about reached the max boredom level for Reno. It hasn’t been so bad but it hasn’t been so good either. When you drive your house around you have the freedom to move to another state or country on a whim (yeah, I got a passport) so if you’re thinkin’ about meeting this weirdo then I wouldn’t sit on the fence for a month.

Pictures: Left to right, [Censored] I forgot the spineless public has a seizure when they see I civilian with a gun so you’ll just have to trust me. I guess a picture of me pulling a chick’s pants down isn’t the best picture for a personal ad but this picture does speak volumes (What exactly is it speaking volumes of that you want people to know? Just curious). The next picture hopefully says I’m not dangerously insane and melts your heart (No, it says someone out there is crazier than you). I designed that Jack-O’-Lantern myself and cut it out perfectly in one try because I’m awesome. Happy Halloween!”

Ya know if you weren’t a drug addicted alcoholic you just might be able to contribute to making the change in society you’d like to see. It really doesn’t make sense to be vehemently against government approved poisons, into healthy eating and vitamins, just to get drunk and high everyday. That’s pretty effin stupid. Just say’n.

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