Hello, horrible, crazy internet bitches

Yup…You know it’s nice that he’s upfront with the fact that he’s a total douche. A lot of guys like to hide that for a while and then spring it on you later in the relationship.  

We don’t usually post such long ads. See them often though. This one is well worth the time. Enjoy : )

Bitter, Lonely, Loser says: “So, Craigslist weirdos, I am single again. (You don’t say? can’t imagine why…) I hate being single.

And prospects in Frederick, they look bad. Not as bad as Cumberland. About the same as Raleigh. Not as good as Durham… It is a sad state of affairs.

The thing about females is, they are mostly retarded. (Uh huh…?) But they are also the only people with vaginas. And I like vaginas. I want to say it’s a paradox but that isn’t right. It’s just a problem with no solution. Someone once suggested a post-op transsexual, but what are the chances of stumbling across that? Slim.

While I was living in Durham, I’d spend all day in Barnes and Noble (Yes he’s that guy. It’s shocking, we know), reading my way through the published works of Charles Bukowski and sucking up the free wifi. And every time a pretty girl came in the door she’d go straight for the magazine rack. It never failed. She wouldn’t even pick up something cool like a tattoo mag. She’d go straight for some celebrity gossip rag.
Do you know what that does to my penis? It makes him sad. And my brain doesn’t like it a whole lot either. When I see a girl grab a People magazine off of a shelf, both my penis and my brain instantly lose all interest in her (What a horrible loss for those women).

Here’s what I want. I want a pretty, funny, intelligent nymphomaniac, who reads Burroughs and watches Star Trek TNG (You and every other guy out there…the only difference is most of them have a lot more to offer and enough sense not to go around calling the only people with vaginas derogatory names). Or at least Palahniuk and X Files. Honestly, at this point I’d settle for J. K. Rowling and Aqua Teen.

But the nympho thing? I’m not compromising on that.

Also, it would help if you are a Japanese school girl. And a virgin. And an Atheist. And a vegan. And if you listen to old school punk rock.

Oh, and you have to be completely mentally and emotionally insane.
Now, when I say insane I do mean insane. If I’m not going to, at some point, need to wrestle a kitchen knife out of your hand to keep you from committing hari-kari, I’m not interested. Because history has taught me that I like crazy bitches. Apparently they are what I want (Well you’ve come to the right place. Craigslist should be crawling with them. If you need knives check Household).

So now you are probably wondering about me (Probably not). You are wondering “who is this godly man, this manly god?”. Well, I is this manly god. My name is, errrr, well. . . We will say my name is Frank Black for now. I am Frank Black, and I am fucking amazing in every conceivable way. I am 5’8″, in decent shape, and unemployed (Didn’t know unemployed was on the list of ways to be amazing. We’re sure lots of people with suffering self esteem will be interested in finding that out).

I am an aspiring writer, which is great because it’s way easier than being an ACTUAL writer. All I have to do is aspire to write. One day. Eventually. If I feel like it.
I am currently living with my family again. I went broke in NC trying my luck at getting back together with my ex. It didn’t work out, and now I sleep on a floor.

Ok, so maybe I’m not awesome. Maybe I’m an aging fuck-up loser punk rock kid (Yes most likely this is the situation).

But I’m funny.

And I will make you dinner while you throw shit at me (Where in your mom’s kitchen?). Then we can eat while you accuse me of cheating on you because I had a turkey sandwich in my car.

Tell me that doesn’t sound like a fairy tale.

-Frank Black.”

If any of it sounds appealing to you don’t hesitate to contact Frank. He’ll be available. 

2 Comments

on “Hello, horrible, crazy internet bitches
2 Comments on “Hello, horrible, crazy internet bitches
  1. You know back in my day when Personals were in the paper, the word limits were really crucial. Poor guy has enough space to hang himself 3x over here!

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